sure, im seein my father again for the first time after 10 long years. sure, its a big deal but this is the time to say: it was my mother who raised me up and put herself through hell to keep our lives runnin, while he wasnt around. it is my mother who always put effort into avoidin speakin ill about him, to give me a great imression of my father, growin up.
sure, i had to tweak and manipulate my mind to adjust to a "new" concept of a family through the years. it worked out just fine, but it wasnt easy. sure, i love my father and my stepfather i love him a lot but it is my mother who is worth more than anything. it is she and not a man who will walk me down the aisle for my weddin march.
sure, i have my own life to live, my own name to build and my own burderns to worry about but someones gotta begin the process of resolvin unfinished business.
life is just too damn short to be angry all the time!
so... i know i'm fortunate, i've accomplishied a lot in my life so far. i do what i love for a living but sometimes... sometimes...
"night time is when the days heavy... feel alone & you want somebody..."
laying alone in bed listening to a mix of slow jams wondering what's to come in life & love. Part of my heart is still trying to heal from the last time i fell in love... see for me, it doesn't happen that often, so it still hurts... no matter what you do, try something new, try not to think about, try to get lost in work... it works momentarily but times like this it creeps back in...
some people i know are more resilient when it comes to love... i admire that in them, the ability to love again openly without worring about getting hurt again...
beyond love, there's work... an arduous task... and being filipino in this world is damned near impossible... so for me to have the success i've expeirenced so far, believe me, i know i'm fortunate & i also know how hard i've worked and all the things i've sacrificed in my life to achieve my goals. sometimes you just want to do good work and it seems like no one will let you, it can almost drive you crazy...
so as an accomplished young woman i look forward with hope that life & love have good things in store for me... the perfect role... the perfect man...
who knows... but the perfect song is playing right now, brings a smile to my face & reminds me that it's all going to work out... it always does...
Man... I'm in love with Clark Kent... or Tom Welling? Whoever...
I personally never wanted to watch Smallville 'coz I thought nobody could ever replace my one-and-only Dean Cain... the Clark Kent in my beloved Superman: New Adventures of Lois and Clark.. I thought so...
A close friend of mine, Ciedelle, told me about it and I was like - "What's that? No way... I'd stick to Dean Cain.." So i went on ignoring the DVDs and the show itself. But then again, when I was kinda really bored and had really nothing to do, I tried watching it. Man it was like the 4th season, I was quite left behind... I didn;t know the beginning and what went through within before that certain episode... But I loved it!
I cried over how much emotion was ther for Clark and Lana. That time Lana was with Jason and Clark was kinda hooking up with Alicia, or was it the other way around? Anyways, so that's what happened.
Gosh! Tom Welling, yeah the Clark Kent is really hawt!
I mean I could sell all the things I have just to feel that hands Lana had been so greedily feeling... But I could not really sell anything big... Ah darn it for the love of Clark!
feel my wings half broken in your hands I feel the words unspoken inside And it pulls you under And I would give you anything you want but no
You were all I wanted All my dreams have fallen down Crawling round and round
Somebody save me Let your warm hands break right through and Save me I don't care how you do it just Stay, stay, come on I've been waiting for you
I see the world has folded in your heart I feel the waves crash down inside And they pull me under I would give you anything you want but no
You were all I wanted...
Somebody save me Let your warm hands break right through and Save me I don't care how you do it Just stay, stay, come on I've been waiting for you
All my dreams are on the ground Crawling round and round
Somebody save me Let your warm hands break right through Somebody save me I don't care how you do it Just stay with me, I made this whole world shine for you
Just stay, stay, come on I'm still waiting for you
ima touch d beach.. oh god its spring break in america and summer break in asia... ima tired... ima need of rest.. deep blue water, colorful sailboats, fresh air, blowing my face... like ima ridin a parachute...
jeez... life is so unfair... for a long time i take care oma skin... keep it away form sun but goin to beach is goin to ruin everythin... ahh, i hate sunburn. but i love to swim...
everything has its consequence. bad, shiiiitttt!
spending spring brak in new york? silly! need to go to florida... the hot, hot summer of florida... or go roastin myself in vegas... holler, hawaii, much better! d money, d moolah is d only prob man!
Boredom is defined by American Heritage Dictionary as the condition of being bored, ennui. What's ennui, anyway? Oh yeah, I got it - boredom of course.. hehe!
HERE'S A REAL BORING WRITE UP:
Brown carpeting. The apartment kind. There are little bits on it, always little bits. A tiny crumb, a piece of thread lost from a shirt or something a little darker than the carpet so it's just visible, and a ball of white god-knows-where-from fluff. Oh, and there's a fingernail clipping, how did that get there? The light isn't on so it's kind of dim. But I can see these things. I am looking at them, and spending a considerable amount of time looking at them, relative to their worth, and if that doesn't define boredom, what does? I'm wondering where all these little bits will eventually end up. The thread is too insubstantial to consider, the clipping is no doubt doomed to decay and so is the crumb, but what about the fluff? Looks synthetic. If it ends up in the municipal dump (via my vacuum cleaner), maybe exotic bacteria will gobble it up, but there's no guarantee that will happen, 40-year-old hotdogs have been found in dumps. In London they uncovered a 500-year-old banana peel and they can't figure out how it got there in the first place.
So maybe the fluff will crystallize, descend with the strata, and perhaps in the unimaginably distant future show up as a thin mineral glint in a rock wall by a hiking trail for the evolutionary descendants of hamsters. I had a hamster when I was a kid. Maybe his great-to-the-6th-millionth-power-grandson will spot the glint, pry it out of the outcropping and take it home to show mom, and never in his wildest dreams have even an inkling of his and its mutual association. Not exactly six degrees of Kevin Bacon, but an association. It could happen.
Well, no matter. I'm going to pick up the tiny fluff-ball and burn it. Damned if a ball of fluff will outlast me.
During Rizal's time, Filipinos were oppressed and were degraded by Spanish in our own land. He desired to prove that we are noble and he worked on it when he went to Europe for his studies. Two of his fellows won in a painting competition, they garnered the top awards over Spanish competitors. He never stopped looking for early records about Filipinos in libraries on his travels. Finally, he found one in Germany. There was a written document about the early trading practices of our folks with some Chinese. They considered us as honest and hardworking. Rizal's mission did not stop here. He lived a life as a perfect manifestation of a noble Filipino.
Today after more than a century, we are still in the same dilemma of proving the same thing. Society dictates that ; when everything in your country sucks -- you have to prove you are of great value. That's why we celebrated when two full blooded Filipinas got in American Idol finals, when Manny Pacquaio won in his boxing match; we become happy whenever we heard of Filipinos achieving something overseas; we feel that kinfd of pride whenever we learn that this and that in Hollywood have Filipino blood.
We are still on the same situation. Only during Rizal's time, he was proving our nobility to the Spaniards; now we are proving it to ourselves.
With the turmoil happening in our country, this fight for Filipino pride will continue for a long time. I just hope that before I face my deathbed, identity crisis among us will take a dramatic change, if not take a rest.
There have been opportunities for me to leave the Philippines. Just like many among us that chose to bury our citizenship and be anyone else.I am attracted to that idea as well; even my parents are motivating me. Who could blame us if we have such thinking? Even the nationalists could understand.We hate our leaders; we hate our fellows -- they are either lazy or cellphone snatchers.
But still, the fight is not yet over. I am giving myself some more time -- that maybe the wind will blow in the opposite diraction. Meantime, I would continue on my search for Filipino making thier way in Hollywood. I know, it really is hard to forget who really am I. No matter what happens I will always be a Filipino!
i have two friends who just graduated from uplb. the other one is a chemistry major and the other one is a sociology major. having diploma from u.p. would entitle them to enter the world of their respective fields. but guess what? they ended up in call centers.
i did not bought the idea. i was like feeling bad for them because they could have worked in some better companies. imagine the hardships they surpassed just to pass their course in u.p. and just work in front of the computer talking scripted customer service bullshits to some americans on the phone.
i could not blame them anyhow. with the current growth of unemployment rate in the country, call center is a blessing to newly graduates. they are just hoping for a better life. call center is full of promises.
today, one of them is already finished with her training at convergys. the other one is due for her training at people support. and tell you, they are getting big bucks. not that i am against call centers, i am just hoping that the youth are not going to give up their dreams just because of the high pay in call centers.
i am a u.p. dropout and i felt like they are in higher level of intellect than me, especially in the eyes of those damned descriminating h.r. people. so i was kind of feeling what else would be left for me?
in a few more months, i will be graduating too. i hope that i will not end up in a call center. i know that there are better opportunities out there for me in some institutions. though i must admit that there is this curiosity in me on why people are gone loco with the industry. i am just wondering why. i have a plan in mind that i would work few months before i get out of college. i will save up some money for ateneo. i will work in a more decent place, where i need not work in times i should have my sleep.
i love my friends. and i know that their jobs would be temporary. after saving much we plan to put up our own bar/restaurant. that is if they do not get too much hooked with the job (and i would eat my words) and i decide to still stay in this very much blessed and trouble free country of ours.
last holiday season my celebration was not quite alright... my cousin died. he just never woke up again from his sleep. i was really devastated when i heard the news. he was so young. at 26 he can still do a lot of great things in life. but all of his chances were taken away from him.
i was not really that close with him. we literally grew apart. i seldom saw him, and it were only during special holidays. he was kinda spoiled as a young boy, being an only son of an ofw, it was expected. we hardly knew each other. the only thing that really kept us together was that super close family tie in our clan. it was like the thing among us filipinos, we barely talk with some of our relatives, but deep in our heart, we are part of their lives, and vice versa.
we went to the same high school. he was kinda late coz he stopped for sometime, but funny thing was that we don't even bother to great one another whenever we see each other in the campus. i was like, hello im the younger one so he's supposed to break the ice. we were like that, we would cross ways but we would regard it as something not really special to talk or just smile with one another.
then he married early. he got two kids. i feel for them because they lost their dad at a very young age. they may never have remembered how he looks like. they may never ever have a single memory of him when they grow up. they could look at some photographs but that's just it.
his sudden death brought to realization that i can never really tell what is going to happen in the future. i could die any time. i do not fear death. i know that is something inevitable among us people. no matter how healthy, wealthy, or intelligant a person, he is doomed to die. what i fear is the fact that it could come to me in time i am never sure of. it could be so soon or it could be when all my hair turns gray. i never wanted it soon. i still have a lot of things to do and if i die now it give me a feeling of worry that i would not able to achieve my dreams and feel those special moments that others had. i want to make a mark before i even vanish. i want my life to be a source of inspiration to people. i want to people to dream, live life to the fullest, to always try to take some risks in order to chase wonderful opportunities. i could never be happy if i die without achieving these.
i still want to show that special someone my love for him. i want to build a happily ever after life with him and our kids.
i want to have that dream house. i want to pursue my a many interests. i want to try out a lot of sports, learn new languages, visit many places and meet new people, i want to learn playing musical instruments, study again, write a book, put the philippines in the map of the world, inspire, love, live, and have good times with the people i really care for.
i hope to have these all. i pray to god that he would allow me to have such opportunity.
my cousin me taught to use and value of time wisely. wasting it is real foolishness. i have to take the available risks as long as possible. to achieve real happiness i have to make way for great things to come into my life.
my cousin's death have taught me a lot. i know that his life was lived happily. he became a source of joy of his family. he is now resting peacefully with god. wherever you are kuya jinggoy, i love you and thanks for the lessons.
"It was but yesterday we met in a dream You have sung to me in my aloneness, and I of your longings have built a tower in the sky... If the twilight of memory we should meet once more, we shall speak again together and you shall sing to me a deeper song. And if our hands should meet in another dream, we shall build another tower in the sky."
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